These thoughts, not-so-certain insights and ramblings, I am beginning to realize are an integral part of my path toward a better understanding of the "process". The process of incorporating „qualitativeū research ideas into my overall inquiry into educational strategies.

It starts every morning. Upon awakening I realize that I am here again in an instutute of higher learning, (I've been a graduate student before) pursuing an advanced degree in (environmental) science and technology teacher-training. My focus: the appropriate use of technology (both high and low tech) as tools for extending our senses with the expressed purpose of learning about the earth, its systems, and our place in local, regional, and global contexts.
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Digression #1: My underlying desire is to help move myself and others toward a clearer understanding of what it means to be a steward of my environment. So that I may live cleaner, more simply, and with fewer negative effects on the environment that I so much depend on for my very existence. Also to learn to "live more simply that others may simply live" (Ghandi), and to teach an understanding of the environment that many of us have lost in our insulated urban and mechanized lives. To understand our impact on the planet and to learn to minimize it, to share more equitably its resources, to share its secrets, to look for and celebrate uniqueness in all of earthžs systems, ecosystems and species. To preserve the biodiversity that we so rely upon for success as a species. And more fundamentally to learn to appreciate all of creation for the wonderfull functionality and aesthetic that it has to offer. In the end, to have lived for a purpose.

Where to begin then?
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I guess I'm still not through reflecting on how I got to be where I am in this overall process. I know that it has always been "quality" in the process of learning, a purposeful goal of research that has driven me in my academic pursuits. And now I am faced with the wonderful potential of a field of research that I didn't know really existed as a formal discipline. That of "qualitative research". What I know of qualitative research so far feels intuitively correct. That is it feels familiar in its descriptive approach and right in its relying on "researcher as instrument", subject as participant, insight and hunch as valid tools, and the suite of interpretive tools applied. What I am uncomfortable with is with the very aspect of qualitative research that gives it its greatest strength...... its flexibility.

Where do I start? How do I learn to trust the process of unfolding insight and changing-morphing strategy to match an evolving topic. How do I deal with the freedom to express myself and my interpretation/insight as the inquiry progresses. How do I tease apart objectivity from subjectivity? How do I organize my note-taking to best reflect what is going on vs. what I think it all means?

It all reminds me of my first experience in higher education. As an incoming freshman at UCSB, and having never really been challenged by the educational process, and with so much freedom and opportunity to construct my own learning/organizing style. Then as now I find myself almost overwhelmed by the possibilities. And the information is having such great impact, that I find myself just sponging it up and not really critically thinking about how to apply it. Let alone organizing my insights into a coherent set of notes that I can use to build a clear picture of the process.

After all my practice in formal research into earth science, my familiarity with documentation procedures, the clear division of obsevation from interpretation.... after all that, I now find myself starting all over again. I must learn how to take "qualitative" notes. Learn a certain and useful style of recording what is happening in my studies, sort out meaning from intent, fact from fantasy, guiding principle from simply the next most intersting lead...... Arrrrgggghhhh!
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Digression #2: So what? Now what? Better yet, "now this"!

Rather question what it is I will do now, than question what now is. Now is opportunity. Now is there for me to find out what I may do next to further my goals... starting with what is now. Or is it just more "psychobabble"?

For sure, I am a procrastinator... par excellance! I know this, and still I wait. I wait for insight, for the purpose to clarify, to be resolved from the mists of sometimes multiple working hypotheses. But by what process does the mist dissolve? I wait until I absolutely must act. I blame it on "writeržs block", on not having fine tuned my thoughts enough to express them coherently. Worse yet, the need to reformat my hard drive first, clean up the operating system, rearrange files, or tackle another task I've let go too long undone. Rake the fallen leaves, mow the lawn, empty the recycling bins. Heaven forbid I get a little excercise first. Enough!
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In this challenge of "reflective" analysis, this daunting task of looking within.... to see where I am and what I am doing with the information I am supposed to use in defining a direction for a "qualitative" study...... I face a great wall! Perhaps I should turn and look along its length for opportunity elsewhere. Or look again at the wall.
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Digression #3: What is this wall made of? Is it brick and impenetrable mortar? Or is it just an improbable height of angel food cake. Can I scale it? What tools do I have for that? Or can I cleave it with a butter knife, better yet eat my way through. Then again, should I really turn and look for another entrance? Entrance to what? What is it that calls so hauntingly or insistently from the other side? Do I even want/need to go there?

Then the wall dissolves in a mist of illusion, and I stand facing.... what destiny? Always, just take the next step. Unfearing, go the next step toward what future? Any future! Its unavoidable. Or is it just more babbling procrastination?

I have made my decision, every now unfolding, I decide, whether I like it or not. To act or to wait and watch. I am still moving toward an unknown, only guessed-at future. But a future I can influence through action and intention. What is my intention? What is it I really want to do with this opportunity?

Yadda yadda yadda, Ižm procrastinating again! Act now! Think less. Let intention and a just heart guide my next steps.

Oh you idealist! You miscreant of wishywashy bleeding heart dreams of universal justice. You need not resolve all of lifežs problems in a life-long plan of learning and doing right by others. And why do you care so? To save your own soul?

But why not? There is enough hatred and dishonesty already unfolding in so many fearful hearts. Do I need to add to that or give my energies toward a more compassionate undertaking?

Where was I? What am I writing this now for? ........ procrastinating again I see!

Alright! Ižll buckle down and grab the butter knife. Punch that wall of spongy illusion! Hmmmm, tastes good.
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Maybe its just that I can't believe I am here now. Again and finally back on track pursuing what I know and really believe was and is my truer calling. Education! The learning process itself. Not bound by discipline or subject, except that it apply to teaching a more compassionate view of local environments and by extension, global systems, including human society and its impacts on an ever shrinking planetary capacity for absorbing our mistakes and the byproducts of our growth. Back to education pure and simple, to justly recognize my gift as a nurturer of ideas and learning. And my recent endeavors in science now give me some insight into the problems we all face in securing a future on this fragile planet.

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Digression #4: All those innocent creatures, species being wiped out faster than perhaps any other time in the long histry of evolution. Like it or not, from an earthly perspective, we are in the midst of creating the most devestating global extinction event ever in history. Perhaps even greater than the asteroid impact and fallout that killed off the dinosaurs. And we are wilfully doing it, to ourselves as well as all those immeasurable important species and ecosystems that we rely upon for oue very existence. It seems so hopeless. But doing nothing is worse. So.....?
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I'm back! A student... formally, as if Ižve ever been anything else. Its been a long time in the trenches, learning everything I could about how this world works. I always knew I never find the why in my chosen field of science. So now Ižm back on track in education. And loving it it like a child in a fantasyland. Ižve got something „importantū to say, I think. And now a clear avenue to express it.

Some of my earliest recollections of school and the process of learning are that I always knew I wanted to "teach". Back in grade school, at every successive grade I wanted/knew that I might make a good educator. First I wanted to teach elementary, then middle and high school. Eventually I did teach at the college level. First in laboratory courses, then formal lectures in Earth Science. I had made it! And in college courses I needn't worry about student motivation or the problems of "baby-sitting" and keeping kids on task. College students are adults right? They are in class by choice. They want the knowledge I am transmitting, right?

Not always, or even necessarily! And what is wrong with helping the younger ones in their challenges. Education is more than delivering "knowledge" isn't it?

So, I made a conscious choice recently to work on learning strategies for youth. To help motivate them at an earlier age. To help them make the transition to adulthood with the tools in hand to ensure a just and equitable, healthier future for society and the planet. Loft goals, lofty assessment of my import to the process, but hey! I gotta start somewhere, and it'll help if I truly believe in the "worth" of my contributions. Worst case is I'll only affect a couple of people, motivate change in just a few, but I know I'm not alone. There are so many others with even loftier goals.

So, I found myself dabbling in „environmentalū education curriculum development. I worked on hands-on, experiencial programs. I succeeded in getting funding for my efforts. Something that I had found incresingly difficult to do when my focus was the "science" of the earth and its systems, which was one of the reasons I left formal science just shy of a Ph.D in marine geophysics and oceanography/global systems science.

My purpose now clear, my task is to find a way to make it happen.

Now back to the present. What Ižm doing to further my goals: teaching/learning as I go, in methods of education, in teacher enrichment and basic understanding of science concepts/principles. Here at this university I am learning more of the process of teaching. Teaching as facilitation, as mentoring, guiding and aiding in the process others are going through toward understanding.

My focus: learning science in naturežs context. The context of the environment. Our first and perhaps best of teachers is the land itself and its inhabitants. What do they have to tell us that will help us understand how to live more „easilyū?

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Digression #5: Is it ease of living we are after? Do all our innovations, inventions, tools and technologies boil down to easing our daily toils of securing food and shelter? for what end? To increase "leasure time"? for what purpose? To allow reflection? To allow us time devoted to cognitive and spiritual evolution? Or what? What is the purpose of easing our struggle for existence? We surely will die anyway. And the mystics and monks, have always shown that a happy contented life need not be full of such trappings.

But Ižm no monk. Besides, I like my trappings, tools and toys. But I also do realize the impact my lifestyle has on the planet. Yes, I feel bad about the damage dome to the environment, and the hastening of destruction that is spurned on by my decisions as a "consumer". I need to find and feel good about having some balance. Ižm making strides though, and the first steps are to educate myself (and others) about the state of the environment and my impact. Then I can begin to adjust my lifestyle and make better decisions.

So, I'm no better than the worst of profligate consumers as it stands now. but I'm learning.
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I often wake with the thought that recent dreams were real and what am I going to do now? Slowly realizing their metaphorical meaning and finding unreality in their circumstance, I begin to disbelieve their import. Then again I find myself faced with a new day, and question what my dreams may be saying about my intentions, or searching for internal guidance from them, I try to find meaning, or at least a clue to their insight. How might I use them to guide my next actions? Or not at all.
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Digression #6: "If you know, and if you donžt. If you believe, or if you doubt. There is a universal justice, and the eyes of truth are always watching you.

"We came out of the deep, to help and understand, not to kill.

"Remember the shaman when she used to say „man is the dream of the dolphin".
(enigma)
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All that has lead to this. Now this, and again every now again only this. Or better yet, always a new this, full of opportunity and promise. Now which action will I take?

From all my successes and challenges, seeming failures, were really just unrecognized opportunities to move in a different direction. A wall is not always a roadblock, it may only stand to guide us in another direction. In clearer terms than we had recognized earlier, a hint of new or better opportunities lying in another direction. A clue to change paths. I am beginning to see the changes coming now, though sometimes I still need to "hit the wall" before I recognize the need to alter my path.

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Inspirations/References:
Ram Dass, Capra, Wilson, Einstein ........., Wilbur, Gould, Gibran, the 14th Dali Lama, Christ, the chiefs of many native nations, my many mentors in science and philosophy, my subconscious, many inspired musicians, artists and poets, the „biblesū of many faiths (Hebrew, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Bhuddist, Native American)
and many secular writings on spirituality.